Nov 1st 2016
2016 – Definitely a year I didn’t expect. Looking back at to how it was supposed to be, it turned out 360 degrees different.
It hasn’t been a flowing and easy year for me. Somehow my relationships this year were just out of control. I had and am still having a hard time trying to understand the reason of it all. I don’t feel I’ve changed that much to make my relationships turned around this way from one day to another. Have I?
Since the very beginning of the year: colleagues, really close friends, others not so close, men, parents, sister, brother, strangers… I’m not exaggerating, this year my relationships have really really sucked! Some have turned out great after touching rock bottom, and some are still finding its way, healing with time and slowly turning around.
I know there are no coincidences, and I know there is just way too much happening: with me, with people I know, with people I don’t know, with the world in general… It’s too much to blame somebody or something specifically. It’s the stars, it’s the planets, it’s humanity finishing with our Mother Earth 😦 It’s Karma and the Universe telling us to slow down & re-think the way we live our lives, the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others.
Also, this year I haven’t done much yoga. I miss meditation a lot too and I don’t know why I just don’t sit down and get it over with. It’s taking way too much energy from me to do stuff related to what I love the most. Isn’t that weird? How do I change that? How do I go back to where I was exactly one year ago, feeling over the moon for how things turned out to be for me after taking the yoga road? Was that it?
Well no… this is now the real yoga I guess… these moments which make you feel like you’ve failed in everything and you still need to breath in and keep calm. I haven’t been able to do that though. I have had insomnia for the last weeks, not being able to shut my mind down (“Yoga Citta Vritti Nirodah” is what I keep repeating to myself). And after spending hours and hours in bed, going around trying to finally find some sleep, I find myself allowing my head to think way too much, sneaking in during a big part of my nightly hours. I think about the past (terrible idea) and I think about the future. I’m everywhere except here… in the present.
It has not been all terrible though – don’t get me wrong. I have been in wonderful places since the beginning of the year, and have met beautiful people too. Thailand, Bali, India, California, various cities & beaches in Mexico, Cuba, USA… anyone who hears this would say I’m just being ungrateful, complaining about my year when I have had amazing opportunities. I am grateful, and I have had beautiful times I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. Boy, I am blessed.
It’s just that for a few years now I’ve thought that it is not too much about where have you been, but whom have you been with in those places & have you deeply treasured them? What have you learnt? What did you bring back with you? Did you do good to others? Did you nourish your relationships? Could you have done something different? Did you take in the lesson? Did you live fully as if it was your very last day?
It is now December 31st and I was thinking about writing something about my year, when I found the text written above.
I’ve realized I have passed the crisis of 2016, which basically lasted half a year (!) and thankfully I’m now moving on to the 2017 new energy that always comes with a new year. I’m excited for what is coming. Slowly I’ve been able to think a bit clearer every day and I feel that my relationships in general are finally good again (relief sigh….). I can even see the year with different eyes!
Yes, 2017 it’s a new year, and yes it does bring new energy BUT just as we experienced in 2016, a year can bring in unexpected things and unexpected energy with it. It’s an energy that is much stronger than any individual energy. It is a collective one that weights and carries much more than what we can manage.
So, even if this New Year has promising expectations (damn, I said the word)… I will remember that no matter what is happening for me and around me, I have to create my own year. I have to work with myself to embrace everything that comes, to see the simple things and to be able to look clearly at the opportunities that are presented to me, because even in the worst situations there is always ALWAYS something we need to take out of it.
I want to live every day and be able to be grateful of at least one important thing in my day, and to be able to take at least one lesson from it, every single day. I wont allow myself to feel sorry or self-compassion, because I learned that this only makes it worse. I will surround myself with strong and happy people whenever I feel I can’t stand on my own two feet. I will reach out for my loved ones and I will make them feel my love for them in every opportunity I can. I will stay out of the Internet as much as I can, I will stop asking stupid questions to Goggle, which only deviate me from going inside and asking my own soul what does it feel… does it feel right? I will live more in the present and stop worrying that much about the future, which I can’t control anyways. I will look into the future – yes, because that’s me, I create a collage every year of things I want to work on and materialize (and many of those things usually happen!); but I won’t cling in to my plans, and I won’t obsess about things not going “the way they were supposed to”. I will live every moment, take it in, and enjoy the people, the places, myself. I will accept me as I am, love me as I am, and love others, because without love we are nothing but ego, and I am ready to move away from mine.
I wish for whoever is reading this, a Happy and Prosperous New Year, full of Joy, Health and Abundant with Love ♥ We are all in this together… Let’s stay together.
lifeyesbylaura 