Expectations – yours or mine?

10-Aug-2015

Life is full of expectations… We are full of expectations. People expect us to do certain things, to be certain people, to act in a certain way in public, to do what it’s ‘right’ for society in order to fill their own ideals. We all have them, and since we are little this is what they taught us to look at, and it’s ok! sometimes we need guidelines and someone to shed some light from the distance, but it’s just that… these freaking expectations… they are making a lot of noise around me.

I am not a mother, but I have friends with children. I’ve had the blessing of baby sitting for one of my best friends a few times in the last months. I always enjoy these moments as being surrounded by children who are brought up in some much love it’s so beautiful to see, and I completely love it. But, BUT, I also realized so closely for the very first time what a huge responsibility that is! It’s like suddenly your “me” time is completely gone, vanished, adiós. From one day to another your biggest priority in life is your children and the daily education you give to them, teaching them how to eat, how to behave, how to have schedules and disciple, when it’s ok to sleep or to scream or to play, and when it’s not… when to show their anger, when to show love, when and how to control their emotions… Wow, just by thinking about it I am already exhausted.

But even if I would really want to know how this situation is in real life, I don’t actually know (just yet), so I can’t really talk about it. And if you are wondering what the hell all this has to do with expectations, well,  what I’m just sitting down here for is to try to remember: When was the very first moment in life in which we started setting up expectations in our children, parents, jobs, friends, lovers? even strangers!? And at some point it just gets so out of control that this concept ends up affecting the way we move through life.

I don’t know if I’m just going through a time of my life that will pass soon, but lately the situations that I have been into seem a little bit of a test to me: people around me getting engaged, getting married, getting children, getting dogs, getting a house, getting their life sorted. My dear parents and I having fights because it’s difficult for them to understand my way of living (or probably because I have not been able to explain to them properly). And then getting even more fights when we start talking about my personal life:  “Mom, I might never married”, “I don’t know mom, I don’t even have a boyfriend right now”, “Mom, I’m happy! my happiness doesn’t depend on finding some-one”, “Mom, if I marry, it might not be in the catholic church… I don’t even know if the guy will have the same religion as me and I don’t really care”, “Yes Mom, I am 29 now, but I feel young!”… “Mom, please don’t cry” 😦

My mother is the most amazing woman I know and she has been the biggest key to open many doors in my life AND I love her deeply. But I am scared of disappointing her. First, me getting out of a stable job from an investment bank in London – the dream job for many, the dream city for many more… Ok, that took her time (took THEM time, because my dad was part of it too even if he wants to deny it). And now, with my love life not going anywhere at the moment, and my ideas of marriage and kids and families and houses changing in directions I never thought they will…

I wish that no one ever had taught us about expectations. They are just a slow road to disappointment for the subject involved, but an even more painful one for the part that is setting the expectations on you, either consciously or unconsciously. It’s painful when you don’t want to hurt, but still you have to, unless you want to hurt yourself by not being true to yourself. However, sometimes I do think: Is it possible that maybe I was expecting the same for myself in the first place? Is it possible that I am still expecting that and I will end up hurting no one but myself? Maybe that is it, but I guess I will know when the time comes where I have to make such big decisions for my life. For now they are just ideas, thoughts, feelings of how I think it will be. I am curious of how the reality will turn out to be.

Sometimes we just have to let things go

2/May/2015

I have spent the last 3 days in Bangkok, which turned to be quite an interesting trip for me. I cannot say that I discovered too much of the city, actually, for the first time in my solo travels I felt a little bit lost, wandering around, not knowing what to do, where to go, who to hang out with (should I look for people? be by myself? none?!…). I have a feeling that I still cannot absorb what has happened in the last 2 months since the moment I decided to leave the life I knew and embark into a new life that I thought I knew better, but oh boy! little did I know… little did I know.

What happened these last 2 months in India? Nothing happened, and yet everything happened. Yes, I have been practicing yoga, although maybe not as much as I would have liked – but I guess what you do in your day and how you spend it, its a choice you make every day and its only up to ourselves, so I cannot blame anyone for that. Maybe my expectations where different too. I saw myself completely immerse into yoga, 24/7, walking out of India more open, with a more flexible body, maybe a tiny bit more enlightened (ha!), and the reality is that maybe all of this is true and I still can´t see it, but it is also true that India´s lifestyle, the heat, the smells, the lack of comforts, the language, the noise! (and the list can go on & on) made it a little bit harder that I thought it would be. Don´t get me wrong, I loved India and I am planning to go back, hopefully. It´s just…

Yes! expectations! I pictured myself waking up every day, meditating, doing my practice, studying the Yoga Sutras, chanting, doing pranayama, completely changing my diet, my lifestyle, doing cleansing techniques, wearing a bindi, learning from masters and understanding deeeeep stuff, and then of course applying all of these into my life, doing it every single day … for the rest of my days. Yeah, maybe I was asking a bit too much from myself…

Nevertheless, I was so sad and disappointed to discover that I was not doing all those things… or that I would ever be able to. Maybe I was being naive believing that one can be that kind of yogi. Maybe it no longer exists. Maybe this plan would have worked in my previous existence, a few lives ago. But Today… ! I mean, when would one have time to teach? to meet people? to spend time with family, with friends, with our loved ones? to travel? to work? to cook? (yeah, ok I don´t cook), but even to enjoy the amazing mundane pleasures of life every once in a while…? it´s valid, right?

…. Ok, I am having a crisis… but I have calmed down… So now I guess my expectations will have to adapt. And that´s ok. So I will start over.

My new dream today is to live a normal, modern life and still be a truly dedicated and inspiring yogi, helping others, transmitting whatever I am able to transmit (positive stuff I hope), show people this amazing path which is yoga and be part of their journey, learn from them, give love, receive love, evolve every day. I would love to be able to do all of that and more without being taken for a joke or for not being good enough… just because I´m not leaving everything behind me, just because I am not “one of those” yogis.

(pause)

So yes, Bangkok wasn´t necessarily a leisure trip for me. It was more of a cushion, a pause, a time of reflection, of questioning… What am I doing? Where am I going? What I´m doing now is bringing me closer to where I want to be? What is next in my path, in my future? (which also seems to be the #1 favourite of my family). I have been planning and re-planning for the last days, trying to make things work perfectly, thinking too much, going around and around in my head.

I know, I have to stop. Things don´t get solved by over-thinking them, instead the path keep getting blurrier the more you look at it. It´s just the way it is. And inside of me I know that I just have to let go, trust and have faith with all my heart that answers will come when I am ready, when it is the right time…

4/May/2015 … (continuation)

I am in Koh Samui now. I am in paradise, writing in front of the swimming pool with tremendous views of the sea, feeling completely at peace, listening to the birds and the sound of water moving, ahhh that amazing sound. Here I can even hear the wind, enjoy the sun on my skin, take energy from it and finally feel like I am coming back to being “me” again.

I know this is temporary, and that even though I am here fully dedicated to yoga for the next month assisting my wonderful teachers, I will have to go back to reality and confront whatever I left in pause. But I don´t want to think about the future. Here I feel at peace, I feel blessed and happy to have my family in my life, my friends and my teachers. Happy to be always surrounded by people who I deeply deeply love, and who love me back and accept me as I am, wherever in my path I might be. People who believe in me and who don´t care how do I choose to live my life. They still love me. They see me with kindness, they guide me and yet they are humble enough to let themselves be guided.

I am truly blessed, we all are. And I have now decided that I won´t pretend to be someone I am not. I am not a monk or a Buddhist or an Indian yogi from the ancient times. There is so many people I could compare myself to, so many people who I admire. But no. I am who I am. And you have to be who you are in this world, and be happy with it, share as much as you can from it, learn as much as you can from it.

“Who Am I?” I feel that trying to put a name to it would just be a matter of status, of identity, of ego, of separation… Right now the only words I can relate to and that I have been constantly repeating to myself are:

I AM HERE. I AM NOW.

And it feels good:)

P.S. Opening my 2nd travel envelope, meant to be used only in emergencies, and it reads:

– “Sometimes we just have to let things go” –