A Year Full of Blessings, Challenges & Lessons to Learn

Nov 1^st 2016

2016 – Definitely a year I didn’t expect. Looking back at to how it was supposed to be, it turned out 360 degrees different.

It hasn’t been a flowing and easy year for me. Somehow my relationships this year were just out of control. I had and am still having a hard time trying to understand the reason of it all. I don’t feel I’ve changed that much to make my relationships turned around this way from one day to another. Have I?

Since the very beginning of the year: colleagues, really close friends, others not so close, men, parents, sister, brother, strangers… I’m not exaggerating, this year my relationships have really really sucked! Some have turned out great after touching rock bottom, and some are still finding its way, healing with time and slowly turning around.

I know there are no coincidences, and I know there is just way too much happening: with me, with people I know, with people I don’t know, with the world in general… It’s too much to blame somebody or something specifically. It’s the stars, it’s the planets, it’s humanity finishing with our Mother Earth 😦 It’s Karma and the Universe telling us to slow down & re-think the way we live our lives, the way we treat ourselves and the way we treat others.

Also, this year I haven’t done much yoga. I miss meditation a lot too and I don’t know why I just don’t sit down and get it over with. It’s taking way too much energy from me to do stuff related to what I love the most. Isn’t that weird? How do I change that? How do I go back to where I was exactly one year ago, feeling over the moon for how things turned out to be for me after taking the yoga road? Was that it?

Well no… this is now the real yoga I guess… these moments which make you feel like you’ve failed in everything and you still need to breath in and keep calm. I haven’t been able to do that though. I have had insomnia for the last weeks, not being able to shut my mind down (“Yoga Citta Vritti Nirodah” is what I keep repeating to myself). And after spending hours and hours in bed, going around trying to finally find some sleep, I find myself allowing my head to think way too much, sneaking in during a big part of my nightly hours. I think about the past (terrible idea) and I think about the future. I’m everywhere except here… in the present.

It has not been all terrible though – don’t get me wrong. I have been in wonderful places since the beginning of the year, and have met beautiful people too. Thailand, Bali, India, California, various cities & beaches in Mexico, Cuba, USA… anyone who hears this would say I’m just being ungrateful, complaining about my year when I have had amazing opportunities. I am grateful, and I have had beautiful times I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. Boy, I am blessed.

It’s just that for a few years now I’ve thought that it is not too much about where have you been, but whom have you been with in those places & have you deeply treasured them? What have you learnt? What did you bring back with you? Did you do good to others? Did you nourish your relationships? Could you have done something different? Did you take in the lesson? Did you live fully as if it was your very last day?

Samalayuca Dunes, Chihuahua, Mexico

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It is now December 31^st and I was thinking about writing something about my year, when I found the text written above.

I’ve realized I have passed the crisis of 2016, which basically lasted half a year (!) and thankfully I’m now moving on to the 2017 new energy that always comes with a new year. I’m excited for what is coming. Slowly I’ve been able to think a bit clearer every day and I feel that my relationships in general are finally good again (relief sigh….). I can even see the year with different eyes!

Yes, 2017 it’s a new year, and yes it does bring new energy BUT just as we experienced in 2016, a year can bring in unexpected things and unexpected energy with it. It’s an energy that is much stronger than any individual energy. It is a collective one that weights and carries much more than what we can manage.

So, even if this New Year has promising expectations (damn, I said the word)… I will remember that no matter what is happening for me and around me, I have to create my own year. I have to work with myself to embrace everything that comes, to see the simple things and to be able to look clearly at the opportunities that are presented to me, because even in the worst situations there is always ALWAYS something we need to take out of it.

I want to live every day and be able to be grateful of at least one important thing in my day, and to be able to take at least one lesson from it, every single day. I wont allow myself to feel sorry or self-compassion, because I learned that this only makes it worse. I will surround myself with strong and happy people whenever I feel I can’t stand on my own two feet. I will reach out for my loved ones and I will make them feel my love for them in every opportunity I can. I will stay out of the Internet as much as I can, I will stop asking stupid questions to Goggle, which only deviate me from going inside and asking my own soul what does it feel… does it feel right? I will live more in the present and stop worrying that much about the future, which I can’t control anyways. I will look into the future – yes, because that’s me, I create a collage every year of things I want to work on and materialize (and many of those things usually happen!); but I won’t cling in to my plans, and I won’t obsess about things not going “the way they were supposed to”. I will live every moment, take it in, and enjoy the people, the places, myself. I will accept me as I am, love me as I am, and love others, because without love we are nothing but ego, and I am ready to move away from mine.

I wish for whoever is reading this, a Happy and Prosperous New Year, full of Joy, Health and Abundant with Love ♥ We are all in this together… Let’s stay together.

 

New Beginnings

6-sep-16

“Every day is a new beginning… Take a deep breath and start again”

In the mayan calendar today we start with the Red Dragon Wavespell, which marks the Power of Birth and New Beginnings.

I woke up today feeling a little bit nervous. I am flying to Oaxaca, Mexico, a place that I’ve wanted to visit for a while. I feel as if this is a longer trip than it actually is. I’m only going for 10 days but for some reason it feels a little bit like a goodbye in some ways. I woke up feeling a little bit nervous today… and I think the reason is because it does mark a different stage in my life. Not the trip itself, but the feelings I have.

Yesterday I went to sleep looking around in my room and snuggling in my bed, enjoying them fully and thinking that it was going to be the last night in 10 days that I sleep in my cozy bed :P. This morning it was kind of hard to let it go! I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to prolong the time I could stay laying there feeling the warmth & comfort of it. I finally stood up, thinking that I actually haven’t felt this kind of material attachment in a while.

For the first time in almost 4 months I haven’t had the solo traveller feeling I am having today; the feeling of starting something new, of going out there to explore, of taking chances and being open to allow new things to happen… but most importantly, the feeling of letting go of my comfort zone.

Yes’ I’ve been kind of in a comfort zone for a while. I’be been enjoying my family and my time at home, but recently I’ve also been pushed to a situation that has brought me to think: When are you actually gonna start to live again? When was the last time that you felt that your life was going amazingly well? Personally and professionally speaking? Well, I’ve had my ups and downs of course; nothing is fully black or white. But today I had again this weird sensation <somehow addictive> where you are preparing for your flight and it feels like if you are preparing for a life change as if finally I’m ready to literally take-off, in all senses.

It takes you out of the box, yes. It makes you feel nervous because you can’t see what’s ahead, yes. But boy it feels good. It feels fresh. It feels new. And new it’s always good – all changes are.

So while I’m on the plane, overlooking the deserted landscape of my city, I know that when I come back, when I fly over this same piece of land again in a few days time, I won’t be the same person who left. I will be renewed. I will be ready and open for whatever life has for me… and I can’t wait 🙂

 

I opened this envelope (there’s still a few left unopened) with the initial emotion being first that one… but after reading the message and writing my thoughts, it suddenly changed to feeling pretty enthusiastic about what’s coming.

So, thank God for written therapy:)

~^~

Life is better… Pictureless

28/Jul/15

Its 5.00 am in the morning and I haven’t been able to catch any sleep at all. I am in Greece, in the beautiful Greece trying to write a different ending to a love story that begun 2 and a half years ago. I don’t really know if this will be an ending though, we both don’t know – I think at least for this life it will. I also don’t know what it is what brought me here again. We are disastrous together, yet at the same time magic happens around us every time we are close to each other. The sky, the stars, the moon… they talk to us, they find a way to communicate with us and make us communicate between each other. I know it sounds ridiculous and unreal, but it is true.

The first time, the warmest sun brought us together in the most magical day in the city of Athens, on top of Philopappou Hill, where all the forces of the universe where working together, moving us in the direction where we will finally meet for the first time, once again.

The second time, a cold spring in London was easily bearable with the warmth that only a happy heart can bring, an unforgettable week which I can call without a doubt one of the bests in my life.

The third time, the stars where dancing above us in the beautiful Mylos in a way that I have never seen before. I sometimes think they were making fun of us, of our nonsense fights… telling us to wake up! to look at the important things and forget the unimportant.

The fourth time, exactly now, the moon witnesses our encounter, shining brightly and beautifully, illuminating Salamina’s sea and finding us sitting there, on a bench in front of the clearest waters I have ever seen, where even at night I could see the stones underneath.

This greek man and I… The same force that brought us together so strongly at the beginning is the same force that probably won’t let us remain this way. I can see this a little bit clearer now, but I don’t care. We don’t care. What we care about is that every time it happens, every time we meet, the moment is perfect – messy, but perfect. It’s funny because sometimes it seems like we were creatures from different species, two different worlds, cultures, beliefs, passions, language, everything. But no matter how many differences and opposite things I want to find between us, there is one important thing – the only important thing that matters, which is that we are the same soul, exactly the same, broken up into two, sent to different places and periods of time, and who where destined to meet again to change each other’s life forever and to be presented by the most scariest thing of all: A mirror – our own reflection in the other, our fears and desires, the worst of us (well, the worst of me at least), everything that most people are not able to see in us, that exactly is what we show to each other, inevitably, E V E R Y time.

However, humans are a weird race. We are prisoners, prisoners of ourselves. We act like if we have our heart inside a cell, and like that no one can live life fully. We are not able to enjoy ever second of the life we were granted because we don’t dare to unlock this cell, we don’t know how to, we are too scared – scared of showing who we really are to the world, scared of doing something that might not fit into the frame of other people’s mind or way of living.

How can I explain? … I will borrow a little story and it goes like this: Imagine that 2 strangers are sitting right now on this very same bench and they want to get to know each other better, BUT they have this picture of themselves, which they have created, and they are so scared to let this picture be destroyed in the eyes of the one sitting next to them, too scared to let them see that the picture has a little scratch, or maybe two, and that it may not be repairable. And instead of turning to each other saying: “Hello, nice to meet you, this is who I am”, they say “Hello, nice to meet you… wait a moment please” while they take their “perfect” pictures out from their pockets and show it to each other…

Yes, I am guilty too. And the worst is that I not only carry my own pictures but also pictures of how I think others should be 😦 Yes, I have several times played the role of the character from this unfortunate story that came from the mouth and the heart of a man who sees who I am and loves me, despite having showed him the very worst of me, the darkest side of my personality – that which even I cant accept of myself – but he does, because he doesn’t give a damn about pictures – he is beyond that.

Dr. Brian Weiss says that when two soul mates are reunited together for many lifetimes, the feelings and emotions between them can be SO intense that it might just be too much to take. They come to teach you probably the most important lessons of your life, but that doesn’t mean that you are destined to stay together, and exactly that is the most difficult thing to accept, because we have learned to be attached – but attachment is only human, because the soul knows when the lessons have been learnt and when its time to keep moving.

I ask the universe to set me free – I want to set myself free. Only then I will finally start living my life… Pictureless.

My teachers in Mysore – Part 2: Opening the body inside out

22/Mar/16

I wrote this piece a while ago, just before leaving Mysore last summer. I am about to finish my short 2-week practice with Ajay once again, and its incredible that months later, I feel exactly the same about it. If I were to write it again, I think it would be pretty much the same:) except that this time I got to share the experience with a beautiful friend<3 my almost 1 year travel companion. Feeling blessed to have a witness and be someone’s witness in this deep journey of yoga, to be happy together and “devastated” together. Thank you!

13/Jul/15 – Ajay Kumar.

Sthalam8 it’s a small shala in the area of Lakshmipuram, one of the main towns of Mysore, where the lately well-known Ajay Kumar along with his assistant Shiva Prakash, teaches the traditional Asthanga yoga as taught by BNS Iyengar.

After having spent one month with M.V. Chidananda, the first impression as soon as I started my first class with Ajay was that it would be a bit hard to get used to a completely different style of teaching, different breathing tempo, adjustments, opening & closing prayer… Everything was different.

I was a bit resistant for change because I wondered if I was going to get the same benefits as my previous teacher already got to know my body and its weakest points, and now knew how to tackle them!

But… I have to say, I was very well surprised!

Day 1, adjustment number 1 in downward dog, and Ajay already tells me that my main problem is in my shoulders… my sweet little shoulders. They are tight as hell (not quoting him by the way). I couldn’t do anything but smile because I knew that he knew, not only about my shoulders or whichever part of my body… but I mean, he knew stuff… he can feel stuff… I was in good hands.

His main approach in teaching is of course Ashtanga, which you do most days of the week in a traditional way, but there are a few variations which makes it quite enjoyable for a change:

On Thursdays we start with the normal sequence but after warming up for a while he stops everyone to start his Vinyasa class. It is really REALLY good! This is an opportunity to learn and properly practice jump backs, jump-throughs, bandhas, breath. He also shows you different bodies to start training your eyes to notice things – in yourself and others. It’s my favourite class so far :).

On Sundays there is a self-practice in the morning where no teacher is adjusting, so you can feel free to roll as you wish. The reason for this is because later that day he does a back-bending class. No… wait, let me say this again… He does an AMAZING back-bending class! It is beyond what I was expecting and he makes you work a lot! If you do it just as he tells you, you will feel your quads working like crazy. With a variety of sun salutations, you also learn to feel what he calls the ‘dead’ part of our bodies, which is mainly the upper & middle part of the back, as well as working the lower one in a safe way.

He makes you work your shoulders, your arms, your hips, your legs… e v e r y t h i n g. And I apologize in advance as this is not a very nice thing to imagine but I have never seen my sweat coming out of my pores like that. I had my body activated every single second, or at least I felt so.

What’s funny though is that after more than 2 hours of class, only the last 20 minutes are actually about the traditional back bending & dropping back, but by that time you already had felt whatever you were meant to feel, and so much more. You’ve opened your body so much that the sensation goes not only to the physical but to more subtle layers, especially on the heart area. You’ve prepared your body for the real thing and at this point it seems now a little bit less impossible to do.

I loved it, although I can’t do most of the things, but as he says: “You are not here to show what you can do good, but what you can’t, so that I can help”.

Sthalam8

Ajay is really an excellent teacher and I am very happy that I had the chance to study with him during my last weeks in Mysore. He might seem a little bit intimidating at first, but he is very sweet actually, nice to talk to and to be with. He cares about bonding with students and every once in a while has breakfast with everyone in the cafe. He makes you laugh at class sometimes with his jokes about “bleeding his eyes out” for seeing you do the poses so wrong!

But he is also very strict and doesn’t play any games. He doesn’t hesitate to tell you what you are doing wrong and that you are not listening to his simple instructions. He teaches you to listen, to focus, to breath and use bandhas. He is very aware of how the energy flows in the room. He will never push you further than your limits (and he won’t allow you to go there) but still he will always encourage you to try new things. It’s like his personal challenge… you have to walk out of there with something new to take with you.

After a week of practice he allowed me to do the whole primary series, and even though I did it horribly with no modifications, I know he just wants me to try! To feel what its like to do things you’ve never even try to do, and that you tell yourself you just can’t. The key is just to do your part: breathe “good and proper”, and let him do his. Then all is coming 🙂

Goa welcomes my new path

13/Mar/2015

Today is the day where exactly one month ago I was living my very last working day in the corporate world. One month ago, huh? time flies when you are having fun, they say.

I am fully installed in Goa now, looking at the ocean and breathing pure nature around me. Feeling the warmth, not only from the climate but from the people too. On the first day here everybody knows your name – I am not just a guest in Room H-1 – here I am me, I am Laura. It feels nice, gives that sense of familiarity.

It´s been a week since I arrived to this beautiful place. I look around me and I suddenly think… since when did it become so normal to be here?. It feels like if I am just back to a place where I have been before. At the same time though, it feels like a different kind of world, a world that can´t be found everywhere. I look at my right and see people meditating in the beach or outside of their little huts. I look to the left and I see people doing yoga, tai chi and humming “om”s in front of the sea. I look to the front and the sunset is setting just in front of my eyes. Finally, I look back and I could not imagine my life without choosing this path, this journey that has JUST started!. The journey of self-discovery, the journey of oneness, of authentic happiness and contentment, of liberation… of non-attachent… And with the latter I am now starting to open a new little road in my yoga path. A new lesson for this life.

Feeling eternally grateful for that.

Namaste.

Until the next time, dear London town

2-Mar-2015

In the Aztec calendar is Cipactli (crocodile) Day and is governed by Tonacatecuhtli, Lord of Nurturance as its provider of Tonali, the Shadow Soul-Ka of life energy. Cipactli is an auspicious day, signifying advancement and honor. It depicts energy & work, rewards & recognition. A GOOD DAY FOR BEGINNINGS.

Feeling eternally grateful, London, you’ve changed my life… Not only changed it but defined it. I am leaving a piece of my heart in every corner where I walked by and in every person that I ever came across with. My friends whom I deeply love & my yoga space kept me balance.

8.00am – I find myself in my empty room in London. It is empty but somehow I can feel I left a bit of me here. I just cannot believe yet that this is the last time I will be sleeping in this bed, looking through this window & being in between these walls that can certainly tell a story or two. Is this even real? Am I going to wake up some day and realize this is all a dream? Oh well, it is a dream well worth dreaming – what is reality anyway?

I say “good-bye” to my flatmate, my lovely german girl whom I´ve enjoyed my last few weeks with, sharing great moments and trying to eat London in one bite for the “last time”. Today she gave a very meaningful gift to me; it kind of makes me feel we are traveling together. They are a few little envelopes which are hiding encouraging thoughts that I can read every time I feel the need to “get by with a little help from my friends” ♪: “Feeling happy”, “Feeling love pain”, “Thinking too much”… I know they are all waiting there for the right moment.

9.15am – I am out of the door getting into the taxi that would bring me to the airport. The driver is Indian and we talked for an hour and a half. It was a nice company and time flew, like when having coffee with a friend. I kept seeing his eyes through the rear view mirror, tired but gentle eyes. We arrived and said good-bye, and for some reason I felt like hugging him. I guess he felt the same way…. We hugged.

5-Mar-2015

1.10pm – I open my first envelope on the plane towards my destination: India. I am about to take off. The envelope reads:

“Being nervous isn´t bad. It just means something important is happening.”

With a smile on my face, I know that the beginning of a great adventure is just about to start.