… continuation of Part 1: https://lifeyesbylaura.wordpress.com/2018/04/08/ayahuasca-the-misunderstood-mother-part-1/
For quite some time I was just there watching how the fire woman was doing her job of taking care of the fire. It was beautiful to watch, as she did with such gentleness, care and respect. Sometimes people came randomly and threw woods at it, and I could see how the fire didn’t like it! It threw back some of them and the reaction of the flames was completely different. It was not their job to feed it, there was someone already designated for that who knew and had learned through the night how and when the fire wanted to be fed. I saw this and suddenly a piece of burnt wood flew my way. I smiled inside. I felt as if the fire was telling me to learn from it, to really learn, to be in the position of that woman one day, in the same way or another, but to learn its ways.
In the past months, I’ve had a couple of strange experiences with fire, sitting in front of it with those who I love, but having odd things happening between us, strange energies and dynamics, unexpected actions and reactions from both sides. All of it which seemed to come rather from outside of us. As if something took over whenever we were around that bonfire and we were just puppets. So, sitting in front of this one, I asked myself: “How are you suppose to learn what happened there if you don’t know the fire at all? How do you expect to understand?”.
I learned and saw clearly that the fire speaks and responds. It responds to the Ícaros (songs) of the Shamans. Whenever they started, the fire intensified, it changed its movements. It even sang back, with a sound like a whistle, originating from the very inside of the bonfire, very deep down but very clearly heard.
My body reacted to them too, and I couldn’t stop the inner moving of my being most of the night, at the rhythm of these magical sounds.
I lost track of time. I then started to feel there was something coming to me from my childhood – nothing specific, no specific memory but just a feeling. Even the notes of the songs that were being played were making my body react in certain ways: my shoulders were randomly moving up and down as when one is saying “I don’t know”. Something was bringing me back, more specifically to my grandparents from my mother’s side and my feeling towards those times of my life. I felt as if something was finding its way out through those feelings, something deeply rooted from those early years. I wasn’t asking what that was, or trying to find it, I was just waiting…
I started to clearly identify the thoughts of my mind in such a way I have never done before. I was a pure observer, just waiting and watching the thoughts that came. When I was fully aware of this, I started to recognize the lack of logic in them. The words that were coming from the mind were making no sense at all! They did not exist – it was a combination of 2 words, the beginning of one and the ending of another one, creating a word that I couldn’t even internally pronounce. I couldn’t even recognize what the original words were, the ones that the mind was trying to combine, but what I did know is that both of them were coming from somewhere in my childhood. Maybe words I’ve heard back then, maybe words that triggered certain memories. I don’t know, but I felt as if something was getting ready to be released; that as soon as the non-existent words were to be discovered, something very deep would automatically untangled, like with a spell.
Words like that kept coming. I kept just observing the game, with a certain joy. The joy of knowing it was my mind – a separate thing from me – the one that was going crazy for not being able to pronounce or make sense of anything. I started to hear people talking a bit, and the words they pronounced seemed very funny. The language itself sounded like a joke. But it was not a feeling of when you are drunk and you find everything hilarious, no. It was different, hearing them and knowing that words are all non-sense, that we all believe whatever we tell ourselves.
A thought came to me “Life is a like a sock”. I know, ridiculous! This is what came and I was not in a position to judge or question anything. I accepted the statement as it came and watched it from the outside. This was the culmination of me realizing that I have been making my mind the master of my life. If the mind says: “Hey Laura, life is like a sock”, I blindly believe, whatever the heck that statement means. I know it makes no sense at all, but it was a clear way for me to understand how we easily accept ideas and concepts that our minds bring to us, no matter how silly and absurd they are – because they all are! Whatever the mind says, that’s it. How so? When did we lose ourselves and made the mind the Master, when it’s completely the other way around? How could we miss it? How do we keep missing it despite all the reminders?
My friend, who was resting near the ranch house, came back to the bonfire. She constantly came, stayed for a bit, touched me like a way of saying: “I’m here”, and then continued her journey in her own way. Or at least this is how I felt it. But this time, she came and hugged me from behind, so tightly, and we stayed there for a few minutes watching the fire. The moment we were touching, my body started throbbing really strongly. It was like a gigantic pulsing of my entire being, so strong and potent. Everything was participating, my heart, my arms, my legs, my chest, my belly… all of me was responding to the contact. But of course, what did I expect? We are soulmates; our beings vibrate when we are close to each other, recognizing each other, feeling each other’s warmth and love. It’s been like that for quite some time now, and today was just a confirmation.
I was in such enjoyment for what I was going through that I wanted to tell my friend all about what was happening to me while it was happening. It was like discovering electricity and keeping it to yourself! But I held back many times. I didn’t want to ruin her experience with mine, and when I was so deeply into my own meditative state I was happy no one disturbed it either. It is nothing but a personal journey, which needs time, space, silence… It is a path one goes through alone, and in that aloneness is where you find that you are not alone at all. The whole universe is with us.
So far, everything had been so beautiful and peaceful and meditative. It continued this way, but now, another element came into place… the spirit animals started to manifest in different ways in this magical night.
I was looking at something else around me, when suddenly I faced the fire and in a matter of a second, right there in front of me, staring with such intensity, was a perfectly well defined Wolf. It was not as with clouds, when you look at them and can see animals and shapes, and make guesses of what can they be. It was as real as having the face of a Wolf in front of me, like a hologram in 3D. It was its face with all its features so clearly marked: the nose, the ears, the mouth. It looked masculine and he had the most penetrating eyes, glowing towards me. He was communicating with me in this way, he didn’t stopped staring. I looked with no thoughts in my mind. There was a silence, not at all times, but most of the time. I was waiting for the message, to understand what those eyes wanted to say. I watched until burnt woods started to fall onto the Wolf, which also was made of that, and while he was disintegrating slowly, his eyes were the last ones to disappear into the flames.
There was another call – people who had not taken the 2nd intake because they wanted to wait a little bit longer could come and have it now. My best friend stood up, ready for her turn as she had delayed it earlier. When she came back and sat next to me, I turned my face towards her, made sure she was ok, and suddenly… I felt it. There was something that had activated within me. I told her: “I’m feeling it… I’m feeling it”. I felt as if my voice was losing volume and I was entering into some sort of trance. I had not taken the medicine myself, but when she sat there <the shamans had just started their Ícaros again> my body responded to her intake and the sounds of the background. My face was still turning towards her, my body towards the fire. My eyes closed – I did not close them – and my face started to turn towards the fire but stopped half way through. I ended up facing the shamans, with my face a bit tilted and with my eyes still closed, and then started to feel the right side of my face having some sort of pulsations as if it were responding to the fire’s movements.
I do not know how long I stood in this strange position. Time no longer existed, only feelings. And slowly, after a while, I felt something happening to my body. I was not moving, but something inside was, it was changing shape, it was transmuting into an animal. There was no room for thoughts. I felt my right side was changing first. The inside of me started to feel like a feline, a big and strong feminine feline. I felt the change of body weight and I could feel there was fur – all inside the shell of my human body still. I even felt the hands turning into paws. I could feel everything, every texture, every inner movement. My physical body was still, like frozen, but inside the fire of transformation had already started.
I was hearing the shamans all the time. The sounds that came out of their mouths were not human sounds, not even words per-se. They were sounds full of magic and mystery. It was as if they connected to other realms and brought those sounds from there. There was a specific sound I heard, where I could swear a lion roared. The whole circle started to feel as if it was an animal gathering. I didn’t see anyone with my physical eyes, but I could feel them around me, I could feel the animal kingdom, and I was part of it.
A moment came when I realized mentally what was happening. I didn’t come out of it immediately, but there was this instant where I could decide – keep going or come back. It didn’t feel like an analyzed decision, but there was something in me which slowly brought me back. I wasn’t disappointed for it or craving for more, instead I could see something I had not seen before. In my journey towards my spiritual growth and attainment, I have been telling myself that I am not scared to see, hear, or experience whatever is there for me to experience. In some way it is arrogant to say such a thing, without having been there fully. Well, I might not be there fully yet, but I had a glimpse of what a full transformation could be: losing the body, losing the mind, losing yourself – dying and turning into something you cannot even imagine. I came back because I felt that if I kept going, the feline was going to jump roaring out of my human body into the fire. And what would then happen to Laura? I don’t know, and if I am ever so fortunate to experience such thing again, this time, I am all in.
The ceremony was coming to an end. Just before sunrise, they called us for the last cleansing and blessing. It was beautiful; the Shamans cleaned us with their feathers, prayers and intentions. The musicians cleaned us with their drums, their voice and their devotion. I felt so much love. I hugged people I don’t even know. I felt connected to everyone and everything. We danced, we rejoiced, we were new beings with the new sun.
Mother Ayahuasca, I was so scared of you without any grounds. And yes, we might not understand your ways perhaps; you might surprise us for good or for bad when we least expect it. But a mother knows what its child needs, and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your love and what you allowed me to see and feel. I am alive.
Let my soul forever remember.
lifeyesbylaura 